Monday, July 13, 2009

Silence

.
A year and a half ago I left my marriage. It was a choice for me between living life, or not caring if I lived. At the time... and to the best of my ability since then, I have tried not to say anything bad about my wife. She is human, with all the flaws that entails. I accept that, and I take upon myself any blame to be attached to the failure. That seems the right thing to do.

The effect of that decision amongst my and our friends has been mixed. By making the conscious decision to rarely speak of my reasons for leaving.... I have left just one side of the story out there. I've accepted that doing so leaves me at a disadvantage, and frankly I look like dirt to some people. So be it. I will not speak badly of her if I can help it. I loved her for much of my life.... and I will not dishonor what was once there, any more than I have to in order to continue living.

Now I am faced with the same choice, and once again I will make the same choice. I have nothing bad to say. In fact, I have nothing to say about the situation at all. It would only make it worse, and more painful... and I will not do that to someone I care about. What blame there is, I accept fully. The fault is mine, and mine alone.

I know that I will once again appear to be a real jerk to all those who know one side of the story. People who's opinion I care about are now going to turn away. That hurts... tremendously, but it pales in comparison to the rest of the pain from this. I.... just cannot imagine what life will be like starting tomorrow.

Right now... I'm going to pour three fingers of bourbon on some ice, and go watch the sunlight fade. I can only talk to the trees, and they say nothing in return.



14 comments:

Old NFO said...

Carteach0, FWIW, sometimes NOT saying anything is the BEST thing, regardless...

None of us can walk in your shoes, nor get into your head. As a friend of mine says, there are always three sides to any story- the plaintiff, the defendant, and the truth; and everyone's perspective on all three are different.

Hang in there!

"He's just this guy, you know?" said...

Thanks, and I'll try. We'll see what the dawn brings.

Rev. Paul said...

I'd be there to watch the sunset with you, if I could. No words are needed.

Carteach0 said...

Thanks Paul, I appreciate it.

WilliamtheCoroner said...

Best to keep quiet. If you defend yourself people won't believe you, and you'll just look...defensive. Act in accordance with what you know is right, other people's opinions are not worth changing your behaviour over.

Willorith said...

Good Sir:
I am a relative new comer to your little world. In my time here I have noted an aloneness in you. Not really a loneliness, just an aloneness. You seemed to be enjoying being alone.

I like you. I enjoy your writing. I love your observations on your students. You seem like a good guy. It takes about two years to recover from a divorce. You'll be OK.

Plus, you present as a highly desirable gentleman to the adult human females. Indeed sir, you will be OK.

"He's just this guy, you know?" said...

William.... you are correct, of course. It bloody well hurts... a lot, but that may pass. I can't imagine it being so, but it may.

Willorith, thank you for the kind thoughts.

Bob said...

You know, of course, that you're following the George W. Bush method of dealing with personal attacks, and you know how much it damaged his reputation to not respond to attacks.

If that is the strategy you wish to employ, all I can say is you have my best wishes.

lucy said...

You are an honorable man. I will never forget the kinds words you once wrote me when my life was in turmoil. This too shall pass.

"He's just this guy, you know?" said...

Bob... nobody is attacking me.

Lucy... thank you.

JK said...

I feel very fortunate that you are involved with my family. I'm sorry that you are having a rough time. I won't offer any words of wisdom. Never mind, I will offer 3 words...time will heal...

Everett said...

Have been lucky in love, married to same lady for 50 yrs! I haven't been through the divorce thing but two of my sons have and of course you do feel their pain. But eventually as the old saying goes, "time heals all wounds". Wish I could say something to relieve the pain, however it was come by.
Hey Man, you look a lot like me, poor soul, so the free ladies will soon be 'puttin' chase to you'! Be well

"He's just this guy, you know?" said...

Everett.... let 'em chase. I'll be damned if I will ever be caught again. Had a fill for this lifetime.

Sparrow said...

Whoops, a little late with my sympathies, but they are sincere nonetheless. You are a lovely man and I wish you all the best. A little boubon, a couple of steaks, some target practice and the love of a good dog can do wonders. Though for me I prefer a single malt to bourbon. Cheers!