Friday, September 5, 2008

Feeling MUUuch better now......

The restorative powers of a long hot shower and a steak dinner should never be doubted. If I had a cold Yuengling lager now.... that would make it complete.

As the grill was striving to reach the magic 500 degree goal, I relaxed on the deck and ignored an old Ben Bova novel. My mind was roaming farther afield, or perhaps farther infield. I contemplated my own life.

This last year has been nothing less than a major earthquake life-wise. I've shed, however painfully, an awful lot of emotional weight. Having reached a plateau on a long downward spiral, I had decided that life was of little real value. My own purpose seemed to be twofold: (1) Shut up, and (2) work hard till I die while others lived off my labor, without gratitude.

Through happy chance, or maybe purposeful intervention, I had the opportunity to sit back and think a little clearer. I was granted a glimpse of a life that had never been, but could still be. The realization came that I did wish to live, and as importantly wanted to live a life worth living.

Digging out of that hole was painful, to me and to others who had come to rely on my labors. It wasn't pretty, no matter how you look at it. I hurt people, and still am. I take no joy in that, but I have no regrets either.

This evening, watching the smoke drift from the fiery grill, I contemplated my life to come. That's something I haven't been able to do in years untold. In a moment of honestly I admitted to myself that I cared for very few humans besides my kids (both mine and my class) and a small handful of friends.

Despite a lifelong interest in people, there are so few I enjoy knowing. I'm at a point in my life now where that might begin to change. That's the thought I had as I tossed a few seasoned steaks on the grill, and dropped a handful of sliced mushrooms in the sizzling garlic butter coated fry pan.

I put on two steaks... one for me, and one for a friend.


Brigid said...

you know, you HAD some Yuengling, but some Scot/Irish person drank them all.


James R. Rummel said...

Brigid is right. The dark times do not last forever.

If I'm reading your post correctly, it seems that you have turned a corner for the better. If so, then I'm glad of it.


Carteach0 said...

The year has had it's rough spots. Some do. Either we deal with it and soldier on, or we don't.

Hard moments included, I wouldn't have traded the year away. The good parts outweighed the bad by a large degree, and my life changed dramatically for the better.